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29 Nov 09
04:50 PM
I hit a wall last night. It was weird. There were moments over break where I was laughing uncontrollably and I didn't know what to do with myself. Then last night I totally just hit a wall and everything got really, really bad. I went outside and I screamed into the infinite abyss (three times), which didn't really help, but it was still kind of soothing. I tried to make myself cry over the fact, but I couldn't. Last night was strange.
Today is day five, and he said I would feel kind of spacy about now, but I don't know what spacy means. Maybe this is spacy.
I looked it up on wikipedia today and I didn't like what I saw.
Everyday I wait for 4:00 PM to roll around. I'll have to remember that when I go back east it's 6:00 PM. Dinnertime. Perfect for asking questions.
He said I would hit a deeper low before I hit the higher high. I think that's where I'm at right now. I was pretty low this morning.
Current Music: PPP - Snow Patrol
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24 Nov 09
11:45 AM
That facebook message... throws a damper on my plans. I mean, I hadn't actually PLANNED anything, but I was definitely going to wait to say anything. And now it has to be through facebook message? I'll call you.
A little over two hours and I'm nervous. So nervous. In the meantime I'm going to trim my beard and go pick up my car from the shop and maybe knit, all of which should keep my mind off of the fact of what I'm about to do. But who am I kidding? No it won't. This is why I'm doing it in the first place.
Current Music: Great Lake Swimmers - Great Lake Swimmers
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23 Nov 09
09:07 PM
As we were driving out to get my car from Alberton, I had the thought that the highway looked a little like it did on the way from College Station to Waco. Then I had a moment where I couldn't remember where I was for a second.
I love when that happens. When you totally lose yourself and all sense of orientation.
Current Music: 4th Dimensional Transition - MGMT
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10:15 AM
Andrew McMahon kind of looks like a Jewish man or a Mennonite or something with a beard.
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22 Nov 09
09:58 AM
But wouldn't I? That's what I've been wrestling with lately.
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21 Nov 09
11:26 PM
All day I feel like I've been crying without tears. It's kind of strange. Today's been an interesting day, for sure.
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12:48 PM
Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. No, for real.
Once again I had a strange awakening into how public this journal is. I'm not sure if I should be freaked out or... flattered? I... have no idea. Right now I'm feeling a little bit of both.
We watched Garden State last night, and I liked it much, much better this second time than when I saw it the first time. It was actually really good. I don't know what I was so against it the first time I watched it. It also made me realize some things, but those will have to wait until Monday, I guess. Or later.
A lot happened last night, and at the same time nothing. A lot with other people. Nothing with myself. So where does that put me? I'm not sure. I think I'm a bit of a slow mover. Help?
Online it said to keep a journal and to exercise often. Both of which I do, ironically. It only proves my point further, really.
MMM.
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18 Nov 09
11:23 PM
Tonight, during yoga, I totally lost myself. The Savasana that I did was just incredible. I began to focus all my thoughts on not having thoughts, and eventually started thinking "These hands are not my hands." And they felt like that. And they weren't. Somehow my thoughts drifted to the music that was playing and I thought, "The music is everything. The music is nothing." Then I somehow lost the reverie and snapped back into myself. I didn't like that part.
I totally reached a state of something tonight, and I loved it. The music IS everything. The music IS nothing. These hands are not my hands, and it's just yoga. It's just yoga, like Ron said at the beginning of class. There's no need to judge yourself, you don't have to do everything perfectly. It's just life. I mean, yoga.
Tonight really opened my soul, I think. I'm not sure what that means, but it was a yoga class that is going to be hard to replicate in terms of how I felt afterwards.
I can't wait to get to Florida and do sunrise yoga on the beach.
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06:58 PM
Either I take things too personally, or I speak too soon. Oh wait, maybe it's both.
Either way, this is stupid. I'm being stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. Why do I think too much and let these happen to myself? Stupid.
I need yoga tonight. But I also need to talk tonight. Conundrum.
Current Music: The Upper Peninsula - Sufjan Stevens
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16 Nov 09
09:09 PM
That was SO EASY. Really. So easy.
EDIT: WHAT THE HELL!? This night just gets easier and easier. Holy shit. That really just happened. Finally.
Also, this:
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09:30 AM
Bon Iver is literally some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard. Last night it was made only more beautiful by the incredible ski movie they showed at the Banff Mountain Film Festival. Just incredible.
I'm silly. I really am, and I'm sorry. For everything. The issue is that I need to just chill out. There's no need to overreact.
Current Music: Skinny Love - Bon Iver
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15 Nov 09
11:55 PM
Whoa, the Starting Line. Takes me back. Way back.
Current Music: Best Of Me - The Starting Line
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10:59 AM
I'm getting sick. I think it's karma.
What I did last night... I had no intentions. I don't even know why I did it. It's never been something that I've even considered considering before. But I did it. It was that song. I had that song in my head, and I did it. Life is so weird sometimes. This morning it turned out gnarlier than I was expecting it to. I mean, it's pretty obvious.
Today I'm going to finally summit Mount Sentinel. Dave is out fishing with Sam, Sophia's friend, and I'm going to be sitting in Aber alone all day, most likely. Which is... stupid. Why don't I call up any friends? Maybe I'll see what Hannah is doing. Though, after last night, I'm feeling exceedingly asocial. I don't really want any questions asked of me. But at the same time, I do. This is a weird scenario.
The sun is so bright. It's misleading, because looking out the window makes it look like it's so warm, but it's only 26 degrees. Winter is so annoying.
I never got a neck massage, and that's one of the things that drove last night's actions. Because he promised me a neck massage. I sorely need a neck massage.
I don't know, honestly. I don't know. Life was so much more enjoyable when I wasn't plagued with doubt in myself. What happened to that. How can I got from having such an incredible time in the first few weeks of school to being totally overrun with self-consciousness and worry? This is silly. I'm being silly. I need to grow up.
I think I'm going to ask Dave for some girl advice tonight, just because whatever he seems to be doing is working, and I don't know what I'm doing at all.
Dave just called me and he's on his way over from Ellie's right now. I'm freaking out because he'll probably see what I did last night. And I don't have an answer for him. Oh well.
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13 Nov 09
08:07 PM
Erika said something along the lines of, "It's hard when you're husband gets taken away from you."
Which I guess is true. And that's probably why I'm always so reluctant to see him do anything with her, because he's become kind of like another half up here, and I don't really know how to hang out with people when he's not with me. Sad as that sounds.
Also, if he would just tell me the what was going on most of the time, things would be a lot less awkward sometimes.
Ellie is right. I need a girl of my own.
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12:44 PM
For some reason, I have totally fallen in love with the Illinoise album by Sufjan Stevens. I just can't stop listening to it.
Last night was really fun, and then when I got back to the Aberhood it was really interesting. I think it was the first time he actually initiated a talk like that with me, even though, as usual, he didn't really say anything. So I'm going to talk to him again tonight. In theory.
Karl might be coming with us to Flathead. I think I should have just kept my mouth shu at lunch, but whatever. Maybe it won't happen. I like Karl, but I was looking forward to the simplicity of just Dave and I. But I mean, whatever. Anything would be awesome. I'm just looking forward to going to Flathead most of all.
I have an essay to write. I have a roommate to figure out. I have a computer case to knit.
Current Music: Come On! Feel the Illinoise!: Part I: The World's Columbian Exposition/Part II: Carl Sandburg Visits
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12 Nov 09
03:33 PM
I just made a Genius mix on iTunes from the song "Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois" by Sufjan Stevens and the 100th (and final) song is "Another Travelin' Song" by Bright Eyes -- the version from the Duke TIP ResStaff Musique album.
What I'm trying to say is that Genius really IS genius.
Also, I forget that people actually read this sometimes. As in people that aren't you. Whoa, hello friends.
I can't decide if I should begin to censor myself again. And I was having such a good time not censoring myself.
Current Music: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel
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11 Nov 09
12:58 PM
Everything is... good. Really. It is.
I've made breakfast for my friends twice this week. I absolutely love it. Making a batch of pancakes is good for the soul. And then eating them over some good conversation is good for the heart. And knowing that you have something special like that is good for the mind. I've been thinking things are awkward and I've been OVERTHINKING them to the point where I MADE them awkward. Things are great.
I had a talk with Dave this morning, and got nowhere, as usual. But at least he knows what I'm thinking, even if I don't know what he's thinking. That's good enough, right?
I'm relaxing. Which is a really good thing. I'm talking to people. Communication is key. I think I realized that this morning. No, I know I did.
Current Music: Sidewalk Stars - Yonder Mountain String Band
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